Those words were spoke by someone I thought was the strongest person alive. Not on the outside but in. He could make it through what he had to then still know how to let loose to help me through my times. He thought about everything. Too much at sometimes, but thats what made him unique. He did define himself as not only someone that could solve problems, but someone that could solve problems you didn't know existed. He had a way or taking every situation and analyzing it so that it made sense even if it was so far out of imagination you didn't think it was possible. He could also write to express his emotion in such depth that you could swear that it was you that was feeling it. You were inside him, being there to feel the struggle, heart-ache, or even joy to which he was writing. From these he defined himself.
But to me he defined himself another way. I saw the other side of him that he would not show the world. He would open up to me, be there for me, and let me be there for him. He wasn't just another nameless face in the hallway. He wasn't the guy that plays sax in the band, the guy that plays volleyball, or the guy that wears a suit coat and a Steak-N-Shake hat together. To me he was WeeZLe. He was my other half. He completed a part of me that sometimes I felt was lost. He almost made this part of me. The part that knows when to go out and be myself or be SkweRLy or be whatever. He got me through life and shaped me into what I am today.
Tony was always jelous of me to an extent I don't think he even wanted me to know. He would get into relationships and be in them for a long time. I envied him more than he will ever know for this. It was me who was the most jelous. Throught life that is all I have ever wanted. But on the reverse he looked at me. He saw someone who could go out and no matter the situation end up with someone's number, or have a girl at the end of the night. He just doesn't realize he is the one that made me like this, made me able to approach women and be free about it. He always wanted this gift but would never follow his own guidelines for getting it. He would tell me to just be myself or to "go to talk to that girl over there." He would never do it himself. Even when I told him to or urged him he wouldn't. He looked down on himself. That is why he took so much emotion and put it into his relationships.
Even through relationships, struggles, hard time, and good Tony remained a part of me. He was the older brother figure in my life and to me that is his definition. He will always be in my eye as that.
Since I heard the news I haven't been able to sleep, I haven't eaten, I can barely stop shaking. There is just no other way to feel when a big piece of you is gone. I feel like my routine, my life is just not right. I can't do the daily functions that I am suppossed to. They don't fit anywhere anymore. There is too much I have to find.
As long as I have known Tony he has always been one to hide things, put little clues around to get things out. I can't help but feel that somewhere there is a clue that I am missing or I need to find to help me put this to rest. I have known most of his usernames and passwords since i have met him to everything he has done. Never once have I used these other than times he said something like "log me in, I'll be in in a minute," or something to that extent. I went on an all out mission. I was looking for something that most likely wasn't there. But I looked. For hours I went into e-mails, websites, and logs trying to find anything, but I came up empty handed. I don't know what I was expecting to find. There are just questions left to be answered.
Tony you defined yourself throughout your life. You were a scholor, and a damn good one if that. You were an athlete. You were a musician. To me, most of all you were a brother, and thats how I define you.
