Go figure it's about a girl. I just can't seem to get it right. I never asked to meet her. I never asked to fall in love with her. I never asked to become so hopelessly devoted to her. I just did. She made me do it. With promises of a happy and fulfilling life together, waking up in each other's arms, kissing as the sun rose through our giant window pane. We would speak in verse to one another while sipping on tea and caressing each other's bodies. Whether I wanted it or not, that was how it was going to be, so she said...

What ever happened to that? There must be something wrong with me. Somehow, I can have a girl fall for me, but to actually make that relationship last forever? I guess I'm just not that loveable. The saddest part about it is that I truly thought we were never going to have to end. Maybe that's not the saddest, because I still feel like we will be together forever. I feel so drawn and connected to her. It's such a powerful feeling, there is nothing strong enough to overcome this overwhelming power with which she has engulfed me. Even though she is not as passionate about me as she once was, only a year ago, I still have faith that after all of this school shit blows over and we are actually able to embrace our loving embrace, we will once again have that which we once had. Or am I just dumber than I thought?

Maybe I'm just blinded by my deep passion for her. Maybe I do just live in the past too much. But seriously, why not? What good could come of a future without her in it? She was the only one I could imagine myself with for the rest of my life. I've tried to imagine myself with other women--women I've yet to meet--but it always seems so bland and empty. Then that woman is replaced by her, and all is right with my world. We are happy together, bound to be just like we always said we were. She's truly come to be the girl of my dreams. Every fantasy stars her. Even fantasies I've dreamt up before meeting her have replaced her as my lover, and in doing so the fantasies are that much better! So why wouldn't I live for the past? It seems much more enticing than my future of loneliness and emptiness.

Maybe I'm just too stubborn. At first it was her telling me we would be together forever. Then I started to believe it, and now I am determined to make our dream that reality. Or maybe I'm embittered because of all I put into having her. I've helped her through so many rough times. I gave her reason to live when she was seriously contemplating ending it all. I helped her figure out what direction she wanted to take in her education and ultimately her career and I helped her move back home, closer to friends and family. I kept her company while she was alone when I spent my summer with her in Florida. We were a happily married couple, destined to be together for the rest of our lives. And now what? She no longer needs me, as she's back home with friends and family. So when I need her most, as I sit here night after night alone at school, just wishing to get to talk to her and tell her every detail about my day (which she used to love to hear) and hear every detail about hers (which she was always excited to tell), she neglects me. She no longer needs me. It doesn't matter that I need her. She doesn't need me...

And that fucking hurts. I mean, I've been phyically sick with the thought of being without her. I've never been so depressed that I became physically ill before. So why blame me for crying a lot? She used to do it, too, when she needed me and I wasn't readily available to talk to her every second of the day. Why did her feelings change? Was it that being back around her friends and her family she now just sees me as some stupid pawn in the scheme of her life? Does she have feelings for other guys, guys she used to like in high school and now, being geographically closer, can persue? Am I not as beautiful as she once thought? Do I smell? Am I ugly? Am I stupid? What's wrong with me? Have I not done enough for her to let her know how much I truly love her? Have I not told her enough how much she means to me? Have I scared her off with the same ideas she had to draw me in--ideas to be together forever, looking up at our sky, knowing that we are untouchable as long as we have each other? Have I been a bad boyfriend somehow?

It's not fair! All that's been on my mind for the past year and a half has been this angel. All I've done and all I have created has been through and for the love I have for her. Every note I sounded on my sax, every test I aced, every project I completed, inspired by her and our future together. Now what do I do? Now I have no reason to have any of it. Except my glimmer of hope that she will once again realize that she loves me. She can have her friends and her family and still love me. Why can't she realize that? She came waltzing into my life unexpected, and it was the most magnificent thing that could have ever happened to me. Why can't she now let me be a part of her life?

I'm just so lost without her. She was the light at the end of my dark tunnel, leading me to sure happiness. Without her, I don't know what to do. I don't want to live without her. How could I when she came to define my very existence? I don't know where I am half the time anymore, and when I do realize it, I get so sad and angry and frustrated because she's not there with me. I no longer get to look forward to long, love-filled e-mails and late night phone calls. No more "I love you" or "I miss you" or "Can I keep you". All I get now, when she does e-mail me, is a "Catch ya later", as if I was just some acquaintance she wanted to ultimately shrug off. I just don't know what to do. I can't kill myself out of fear that my soul will feel this pain even past death. But I can't live like this, forever pining for that passion to be once again ignited... that passion that was never supposed to flicker out in the first place. So for now I am just living day by day in toturous agony, hoping to see that light again... hoping to once again find my happiness... hoping to once again feel her love for me.

Truth be told, I hope she stumbles upon this some day. I hope she reads the whole thing and realizes just how much she means to me, that I would do anything for her love--the same love that has spoiled me to never love anyone nearly as much as I do her. I hope she sees that I will...neigh can't ever stop loving her so much. I truly feel we are bound by some mystical knot to be together, yet I am impatient because of my incessant yearning to hear her voice harmonize with my own. I want her to remember all of the things that made us that happily married couple in Florida, and realize that we can and will still have that overpowering love and affection for one another, even with her friends and family close by. I wish she could only see that it is not my wish to tie her down (all of the time (-; ) and keep her away from those whom are important to her, but to be the one she comes home to every night to talk to about her day and smile at and kiss and be the last thing she sees before falling asleep happy. I don't want to take her from her friends. But why can't she love me as well?

I am holding onto the memories that ensure me of our eternal love. I hope she, too, will find these memories. For if she does never return to me, the happiest moments of my entire life will be reduced to mere tastes of a life I could never possess, taunting me with the succulent flavor of true happiness on the very tip of my tongue. A once sweet wine to entice and bring overjoyous sensations. I will not let that wine turn to vinegar. I can not.