Last night, as well as most other nights, I was able to imagine her here with me, holding me like a body pillow as I lay on my stomach, hers pressed against my back. I felt her exhaling on my neck, and heard he quite, tiresome moans as she squeezed her arms tightly around my shoulders and rubbed her nose into my neck to get rid of the itch. I looked back over my shoulder to see her eyes closed and her smile genuine, and our lips met for a small but romantic goodnight kiss. And I felt so happy. The feelings were all real... Feeling her presence and her loving embrace... Feeling the happiness that I've come to know from memories of when that would really happen. So I was able to fall asleep feeling happy, lying to myself that we are still together and nothing has changed, that she is still in love with me.

I looked at all of her photos last night. Most of the pictures I have of her are either times we spent together or pictures she took for me when we were seperated by 1400 twisting miles of pavement. I always feel so happy when I look at her photos. I don't know why. One would think that looking at her photos over and over would just make me miss her and pine for her even more. Well, it does, but it also puts me back into the time that the pictures were taken. I've come to relate all of the pictures of her to sheer bliss, the same feelings that I had when they were first taken or sent to me. I guess it could be said that they don't make me pine for her more, but that they excite me as I anxiously anticipate our reunion. I know, what reunion? Nothing's certain, right? As she would say, "I don't know. I'm sorry." But I can't help but have faith in us. I believe that it was no mere coincidence that she found me that day, that we talked further past that day, and that we fell in love with each other as time went on. It's not by chance that I've grown so connected to her that I still feel as though she is and always will be such an important part of me.

During the daytime, though, I feel melancholy as I think about her. I guess I just have nothing to distract me. None of my classes are too involved. I usually have a week to do each assignment, and I usually get them done in a matter of hours. I don't really have anyone that I can talk to or hang out with here, and there's nothing to do in this small ass town except drink, which, though I get really down at times, I could never bring myself to do. I think the reason I get depressed when I think about her during the day is because I am not remembering her, but wondering what she's doing at that moment. When I do that, I wonder if she's thinking of me, which I always presume she isn't, and I start hoping to hear from her, which I presume I won't. Sure, I used to think of her like this all of the time before, but I could always count on talking to her later on and finding out about her day. Now I have nothing but my imagination to tell me what she's up to, and my imagination mixed with depression cooks up some very negative images, like her meeting other guys or talking to friends about how much of a dick I am or just thinking "Boy, I'm sure glad I got rid of that scum bucket!"

See, I know she is fully capable of moving on. She has the means to get over me and even forget about me if she wanted to. Since I don't see any reason why she wouldn't, I automaticall assume she is, and that is what makes it so bad. I guess I just don't want her to be able to get over me, just as I can't get over losing her. But she has work and school and friends to distract her from having to think about me. As I've mentioned before, I don't. So I have all of this extra free time to just sulk, thinking of her. Then I get depressed, and thus begins my downward spiral of self pity, self doubt, and self loathing.

The thing is, I know she wouldn't even consider being with me ever again if all I was going to do was bring her down. I don't blame her. I don't want to be with me half of the time, either, because I only bring me down. I want to be able to promise her that I will not bring her down, but I can't very well convince anyone without at least looking like I'm not down myself. That's that hard part, because ultimately I'm working my way back to her, perhaps to start over and have her fall in love with me again. But I have my doubts, and that brings me down, which makes me doubt even more because she isn't going to want me if I'm always depressed. So I have to not be depressed and show her that I am worthwhile, all the while feeling doubt and anxiety and impatience. I've just got to be strong, that's all.

And I guess that's another reason she might have cut me loose from her life. She probably wants a strong man. I don't blame her. I guess I've been too sensitive lately. Again, vicious cycle. I've been sensitive because I've been yearning for her love (even before we broke up, when she started fading from me), which made me appear weaker and weaker, which made her fade further and faster, which made me even more sensitive... and so on. I'm mentally strong... that's about it. I'm emotionally strong usually, but recently brokedown because losing her was like removing the corner stone of my emotional skyscraper. Jenga, anyone? I need to be strong, and show her that I am strong. Otherwise, my chances to be with her in the future decrease from slim to none.

It's just hard because I have no distraction to take my mind off of her. I then find myself thinking about her and missing her and hating that she doesn't seem to miss me and hating myself for having pushed her away. I've got to stop that, and I'm working on it. I'm building my strength so that I can once again be her knight in shining armor.

I can honestly promise her right now that, if we were to get back together, I could and would make her happy again, just as I used to, and we could and would be that happy couple I'm holding onto once again. I can promise her that the sun would once again shine on us from our sky, displaying our beauty to the universe. The problem is, how could she ever believe me unless I show her that I am emotionally stable? She'd never take my promises seriously if given through tears and pain. It will take some time, and I'm learning to be more patient. After all, she is so worth the halt of time.

I need to realize that she doesn't hate me. She's not refusing to talk to me because she's sick of me. She's not talking to me because she's extremely busy. She is actually going to do very well in school now, and she is building her friendships once again. She's finally filling a lot of the holes in her life, and so I must be put in the background until she's once again ready to ignite our passion. And when she's ready, look out world! We will overpower all once again! I could always be lying to myself about all of that, yes. But at least I find something to look forward to in that hope that I hold.

And so begins my strengthening process. Is it wrong that I'm not doing this for myself, but trying to better myself for her? I don't think so. I mean, everyone needs motive for everything. It will be a long, hard process, but once I show her that I am everything she once thought I was, once I give her the chance to fall in love with me all over again, there will be no stopping us. We will have our happiness... we will have each other. I can only hope that she doesn't find someone else in the time it will take to reignite our flame.

As I fall asleep tonight, I will again imagine her with me, loving on me, holding me. Those thoughts make me happy. I await the day that my imagination will no longer be required to feel that.