I'm beginning to think that she just despises me. I feel like she isn't just too busy, she just wants nothing to do with me ever again. If she were too busy, then how is it that she finds time to surf MySpace and IM other people all the time? It seems from where I sit that, though she is a busy person as of late (I think... I really have no way of telling), but I don't think that is the reason she won't talk to me. I honestly think she hates me, and I honestly don't have a clue as to why.

Ugh, I think about this too much. I need something to take my mind off of it all until she's not too busy to talk to me. Maybe today is just a bigger sting than normal because all around me are couples doing nice things for each other, and I want so badly to do nice things for her. I like when she gets excited and happy, especially when I am the cause of it. And surely, I thought, she'd at least e-mail me today to say happy valentine's day or to let me know she's thinking of me a least a little bit.

But that's just it. She's probably not thinking of me. She's probably got another Valentine. She's probably dating some guy and that's why she won't talk to me. I don't know. I gotta quit freaking out. It is making me paranoid. But the last time I was paranoid, I was right in being so. I don't know. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have things be the way they were. Hold on... ::snap:: nope. Nothing. I'm so pathetic...

I'd really like to know her motives and what she thinks of all of this. I want to know her thoughts on me, on what she thinks when (if) she reads these posts of mine. I picture her seeing my e-mail address in her inbox and just getting so pissed off and annoyed. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I have no direction anymore. I've been walking around campus like a zombie. I'm not learning anything because I can't concentrate in my classes. I have a scholarship application due soon and it asks what my career objectives are... what I want to achieve. But right now I can't even imagine myself alive next week, much less in three years. I've lost my ambitions.

I've gotta stop thinking like this. I'm sick of feeling like this. I can't help it, though. All I want is her. She is my life. Without her, I am without life.

Maybe I attempted and succeeded. Maybe when I woke up I woke up in hell, and my hell is forever enduring this pain. My heart's been beating so heavily for about a week straight now. That can't be healthy. It really hurts. It's a fist beating my ribs from the inside, only I feel the pain on the ribs and the pain on the "fist". I've been having surges of blood rush through the side of my head. It feels like there's a blockage there a lot of the time, like a tumor is forming or something.

Why did things change? Why Why Why Why?? I know it seems like I'm impatient, but that's because every moment that I am without her love is a fucking eternity. This past week... hell this past day has gone by so slowly. I expected to never see the sunset. If only she'd talk to me. If only she'd show me a sign that she still thinks of me... even considers us... It would make a world of difference...

Okay... I'm done feeling like shit for today. I'm have to get up early and feel like shit tomorrow. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Something has to happen. What that something is, I don't know... I guess it all depends...