It’s 7:37 pm. I just got done reading all the things I’ve missed over the course of this webpage’s existence. I want to be honest, becaue that’s what you would have wanted. I can’t cry right now. I cried a lot yesterday. Pretty much all of the afternoon, and I can’t right now. It’s not even so much the lack of producing tears from my ducts. It’s more like theirs just this pain, this weight, that transcends the sadness or rage or emptiness I’ve experienced these last few hours is so powerful, it’s overinding that ability. There’s so many thoughts and questions buzzing in my head, I can barely keep up.

I only got to experience three years of high school with you. In that time, you enlightened me, educated me, taught me more about who I really was than I think anyone could ever do. You helped me grow and mature and believe that I could attain the things that I didn’t think I could on my own. And so I keep thinking about this, and the more I do, the less sense it makes.

I spent a lot of time yesterday, cursing myself for not talking to you these last few months when I had the chance. I kept thinking to myself that my lack of communication had some hand in this, or even worse, that maybe, just maybe, if I could have had one more conversation with you, maybe I’d have a clearer picture about this. Every picture I have seen of you the last twenty four hours has made my eyes burn. The only reason I can think of is that in every picture, all I see is that ear to ear grin that always greeted me, whether it was home room, or shooting pool, or going to catch a movie. The smile that spoke volumes about the kind of guy you really were. The smile of someone who genuinely gave a damn about you.

We were always good about having those conversations that I’m sure all teenagers do. But it was different when I waxed philosophical with you. You seemed to always know what to say, when to say it, and when not to speak at all. You knew that I had a very hard time putting my emotions in to words, so you can imagine how hard this maybe. I know how your thoughts on the afterlife were, but I hope against hope that there is a part of you out there that can read this, or see me type, and know in the deepest part of my heart that I will miss you, that I will never forget you, and most importantly of all, that without you, life as I know would not have been no where near as enjoyable. You brought something out of me that I will now try to share with the world, so that you are never truly dead.